Whilst time dies
Posted: 17/06/2026
I've never really felt like I understood friendship, and I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I've been expecting too much of people and their capacity to care for me the same way I feel like I cared for them. Maybe it's unfair. Maybe it's always been in my head. But people have always seemed to have others before they had me, and I don't think that can be ever changed to my satisfaction anymore. At least, not as I am now. But perhaps not as I am ever? The brain is an amazing thing, capable of a lot of change, but short of a knock to the head, I feel like there are fundamental parts of us that may never change no matter how much effort we put in. And so I remain paralysed in my relationships with other people. I just know it takes a lot less effort to forget how to care than it does to be jealous. I feel loneliest in a crowd of familiar faces.
I do wish there was a solution to my solitude, but I've tried for 5 years now, and I can't fall out of it.
I think this photo is of Wellington last year. I hope to be there in a couple weeks' time?! I might not be, things are complicated as always (and my hilux keeps getting me into trouble. I think a reversing camera would have paid for itself by now).
Listening to a lot of c-pop lately ^^ Tanya Chua and Wu Bai have both been favourites so far. Learning chinese again has been the one shining light in my life this past while. To forget judgment and just dance to something you can't understand is a beautiful thing. It gives me something spontaneous to do, lets me be how I want to be despite everything.