If seeing you makes me love you
Posted: 06/10/2025
Typically I feel like I'm a person guided by feeling over logic. If something doesn't seem right to me, then I should think it will take a lot to convince me it's correct despite the authority. On the other hand I very much value the idea of certainty. I think a lack of certainty underpins what I've gone (and continue to go) through this year.
This poem indulges in a lot of self-denial, though. I've set my feelings against each other; I'm not sure what to do except to isolate myself from the people I enjoy being around the most. I can't bring myself to get fixated on people like I have been doing. So I would rather... not love, not care, not feel. It feels wrong...
... probably because I've decided somewhere along the line that I should ignore that feeling, and fundamentally feelings aren't exactly something to be ignored, it seems.
More and more often I seem to lose days to myself wondering when it all seemed to fall over. That I seem to lack the ability to genuinely connect, that make other peoples' lives seem so much more alive than anything I seem to have experienced. The numbness in my head as I try to understand someone else and my relation to them. I feel like all my life is a sham as I compare myself with other people whose friendships have bonds I'll never be able to reach the depth of. Perhaps it has something to do with my militant persecution of love within myself, or the loss of my siblings, or the isolation I kept for myself throughout my life violently being thrown away in university life. I have no idea, but I know what I'm doing now is wrong. Just don't know how to get out of it. And I don't know if it's anyone's job but myself to help me understand what happened.
The photo was taken on Summit Road, Evan's Pass end. That red light is from my car; I left the parking lights on while taking the exposure.