Benedykt Staples: Feelings through music

Posted: 31/05/2025

Music is something I frequently look to when I want something to reflect my own emotions. And since it's been such a... weird university term for me, what's been going on my voice recorder (dictaphone if you want to be fancy!) that I use as an mp3 player has been changing a lot over that time. I imagine it must be similar for a lot of people, that what they listen to is rooted in what they feel. And I can't do anything but write about what I've been feeling.

Closing Time is really interesting to me; I didn't know about Semisonic before this (though I had heard their song Secret Smile before) and I actually encountered them through this unironically amazing mashup which I found linked on a website on chord progressions. Ostensibly it's a song about a bar closing, although it is really about the birth of Dan Wilson's first child... and what appeals to me especially, about how life is going to be irrevocably different.

What is poignant about the music video to me, though, is that the date never happens.

Scar by Missy Higgins might be the song that has described my past five months the best. It just tells the truth of how letting others dictate who you are is a self-demeaning way to live, but the best way to move on from that is to learn from it. Not everybody is able to work with each other, which is just the way it is. Last term I suppose I was the one giving away a scar, which I thought was quite interesting (not what the other person involved thought, but their feelings are not for me to decide).

Sometimes I try to play these songs on my keyboard, though I'm still no good at transcribing music. I have been trying to learn chords and more music theory lately to help. But at the moment, reading music is the main way I play the keyboard. Billy Joel is one of my favourite artists (though my Canadian dad may object) and quite a bit of his music does appeal to me. I really quite like Vienna - it also warns of being over-invested, being too showy without enough to show for it, and the need to get your bearings; to know what you actually need for yourself, to realise when someone or something isn't worth it, that going after it will hurt you.

But the Billy Joel song I have been playing on the piano lately has been And So It Goes. Playing it kind of reminds me a bit of I Vow To Thee, My Country (the most beautiful church hymn I have ever sung). But, And So It Goes relates a lot to how I've been feeling. I've been trying to return my friendship to how it was, but it still feels so difficult at times, through no fault of her own - just my own jealousy... But this song feels gentle. Billy Joel's also grieving, wishing it were different but acknowledging the position of his lover. Nonetheless it seems as if it was his choice to let go. Which is what I'm trying to do at the moment... it feels like I've never had more motivation to write than ever, to play the piano than ever - love does that I guess.

On the other hand, I have Tenderness by Paul Simon, which is more... plainly put out and careless, I guess. I don't really know if I like too too much where it doesn't apply to me. It kind of describes how I felt when I had disconnected myself from her for a few weeks after the fact. I don't think honesty is a waste of energy - but while I feel like it's something I live my life by for good, I should stop doubting myself. I have this feeling that I will get the better of myself through honesty. It sounds absurd, but I almost feel like it prevents me from finding tenderness...

But is tenderness actually what I need? Or should I just focus on myself, instead of other people? I just want to try and be less apathetic... even though that's how I feel like I've had to act towards her recently.

And now we have a New Zealand song, Loyal, by Dave Dobbyn. The bells really warm my heart, and they feature in another Kiwi classic, Slice of Heaven too (though of course that one doesn't mean as much right now as it used to, to me). I find this song funny - I can't really tell whether the song trying to accept friendship or not (or if it's something else entirely). Nonetheless it's about staying true and without reservations, as I continue to feel at times. But I aspire to it. Can I stay loyal, to my feelings and hers? Can I live without having to cut myself off again? I have many questions I wish I could ask her, but honestly, I haven't been able to make myself ask her. If she could only read this and form her own conclusions.

Honourable mentions

A list of other songs that I've just associated with my feelings to her, whether fairly or unfairly. They all deserve a blurb, but I've written so much already...

I feel so much through all of the songs I have here. They have just been playing on repeat in my life. Every time I drive to the Port Hills alone, down Ferry Road or Linwood Ave, I've got my mp3 player on max; I'm singing to nobody at all, at the top of my lungs, and I forget about things. I sing of how afraid I am, how I'm in awe of how others can act so freely where I couldn't have considered before. That energy they have, the energy she has, what I lack and how much I wish I could have it. How I envy them. How I envy her. I'm going 70ks on the Summit Road and watching the Christchurch lights moving independently of my own struggles and feelings. I sang for her. But I have to move on soon.

Finally... a proper masterpiece from Paul Simon, from his album Graceland.