Keeping distance, unwantingly
Posted: 13/05/2025
I feel like my behaviour for the past couple weeks is worthy of some introspection.
For the past half-year and so I have been struggling to reconcile the idea of friendship and love. Only in the past few weeks has it come to a head where I have finally been unable to accept that difference entirely. For me, this feels unsatisfactorily wrong, not least because I feel like my only recourse is pretty much the nuclear option of cutting one of my best friends off so I can try and determine why I want to know the people I want to know. At least I have had her graciousness to confine it between us. (Well, I am writing this on my personal website, but I think that is fine... or at least, the people who know me personally and who I don't tend to reveal my ins-and-outs to will be in for a surprise.)
But the question remains: can I accept that I share such a close friendship with her and know she has the same attitudes to her own friends, or not? Mixing in my feelings seems to selfishly go against that (and I would rather not do that to our friends) which is why I'd rather avoid her entirely, as awful as it is. At the same time: I never felt like I could guarantee reciprocity from her, so as far as I knew I was never going to get what I wished I could have. So there seems to be an imbalance here between what I would have liked and what she was ever going to provide. In of itself that's nothing out of the ordinary (just another instance of unrequited love!) but what I could never understand was the way she could act towards her friends in ways I would feel like I'd reserve for people I did have feelings for. Again, there's nothing wrong (I felt it was admirable in a sense) but when I did develop feelings it felt back to front - I was now selfishly wanting to ask her to stop acting the way she had always liked towards her own friends. That is something I would never ask of someone - it feels like an invitation to cheat on their friends.
So I don't know when I can call off the whole sad affair of removing myself from someone else's life until I drop my own feelings for her or somehow come to terms with it otherwise. Naturally it's difficult to dissuade myself from thinking about her, but this matter seems rather fundamental to how I feel like I want to treat myself and others. To not act on your own feelings feels like a betrayal of yourself, but at the same time, my feelings were wrapped in contradiction and uncertainty; moving on will be difficult. All I can hope is the best for her, while I give myself some time.
Dangerous assumptions
I feel like I should write this down to the detriment of myself. At least, it would somehow put straight some of the things I feel like I've observed in her... especially now I have removed my ability to ask her in person for the time being. None of these are accusations because I do not fault her at all. But... I feel like these would be rather mean things to say in a vacuum. I want to state these things plainly.
I feel like her behaviour towards her friends works differently to how I could treat my friends... and more like the way I'd want to treat someone I'd like to know better than as a friend. I just feel like she has not, so far, been in the position of getting to know someone better than most because they feel something for them; she acts the same, rather personal way to everybody. Which was absolutely lovely when I was getting to know her, but after that I felt doubtful of why I was receiving attention intermittently given she acted that way. That was really before I realised she acted that way towards all her friends, but it feels worse now that I see it for myself after telling her my feelings. A relationship... assumes some sort of greater exclusivity than a friendship. That was another reason I couldn't handle myself.
Why do I write this?
I feel like it's useful for me to try and understand what I'm trying to do with my life. Though I'm avoiding her and I'm trying to not think about her (it's obviously not working since I've spent half an hour writing this), she remains an important shadow in my life, so to say. Writing about it is a way of processing it. Ultimately I very much want her to be my friend again, and she told me she wished for the same. It's only on my part that I feel unable to carry on a friendship if I feel selfish for having my own feelings. I feel it will take some time if it ever happens. But it's all in the service of trying to better myself, I hope.